First you should look at the question – What Is Sex ?
Yes, yes, yes – I know that you know what sex is from a mechanical point of view – what goes where and so on.
But what you may not have considered is WHY you have such a strong drive to engage in this particular behavior, and why this strong drive repeats itself again and again and again.
Modern psychologists and sex researchers all agree that this universally felt strong drive occurs because of three basic reasons, which are often interconnected and overlap with each other.
What do they mean by this ?
Put simply, this means that there are 3 different reasons why you engage in sex: –
Reproduction, Relationship, and Recreation
Let’s look at each one in turn. –
1. Reproduction –
…. this is the second most powerful basic instinct that is present in all animals, after the first and most powerful primary instinct of survival.
It is based on the inbuilt need for every animal to wish for continuation of that particular species.
This can be seen almost as a form of immortality in many species – where continuation of the particular genes of the individual ensures that a part of that individual lives on after they themselves die.
An extreme example of this is shown in male lions who have taken over a pride of females from the previous dominant male, by besting him in combat.
He will often kill the cubs born previously with the outgoing leader as their father. This is to ensure that the females of the pride are not breastfeeding any more, and therefore become fertile once more, and so are able to become pregnant again with the genes of the new dominant male ONLY, thus continuing his own specific genetic bloodline.
This supremely powerful inbuilt instinct is the main motivation for sex in by far the greatest majority of the members of the Animal Kingdom.
In addition, it is often combined with the second reason for sex – relationship, let’s look at that further. –
2. Relationship –
…. once again, this is an important basic instinct in much of the Animal Kingdom, and includes all mammals, most birds, many reptiles and amphibians, and some insects.
It involves a male and a female of the species committing to an exclusive “pair bond” – (although it may also involve a male being the protector and leader and sexual partner for a group of females, as in the example of the lions above).
It has evolved as an instinctual method for the protection of the offspring of each species.
Both because two are better than one when it comes to defense against predators, and also because it allows one parent to look after and protect the offspring while the other parent hunts for food for the “family.”
I am sure that you all are familiar with this aspect of relationship, and can give countless examples throughout the whole Animal Kingdom – including humans of course.
The third reason, which occurs very much less commonly in Nature, is Recreation. –
3. Recreation –
…. this is really a misnomer, as the real meaning of the word is the same as Reproduction ( consider the word’s makeup – Re-creation, or creating again).
However I am sure that you all understand in what sense we are talking about that word – that of pleasure, enjoyment, relaxation, and so on.
Curiously, human beings are one of the few species on the planet who approach sex so often with only this one reason in mind.
The only other animals who appear to engage in sex purely for this reason are the Dolphins, Chimpanzees and a sub-species of Chimpanzee called the Bonobo.
All other animals will normally only engage in sex during times when the female is ‘in estrus’ or ovulating, or in other words when she is ready to reproduce.
Apart from the simple pleasure aspect, recreational sex can also improve communication, and also strengthen ‘pair bonding,’ which is usually beneficial to the species as a whole, as it reduces interpersonal tensions.
Therefore you can see that Relationship and Recreational sex can be closely related, and the one usually will affect the other.
Following on from that you can understand that if either one of these two can be improved as regards its quality, then it will have the effect of improving the other
In other words: –
Better relationships leads to better recreational sex, and –
Better recreational sex leads to better relationships.
Which brings us to the main reason for creating this page – which is to give you three Meditation Exercises that will both increase the depth of your relationships, and will also enhance the pleasure that you experience with sex.
How can Meditation Exercises help ?
The three exercises that I give you here will greatly improve communication with your partner, or with any partner that you may have in the future, and also allow both of you to find sex much more satisfying.
The First Meditation Exercise
This is designed with close communication in mind, but is not specifically geared towards sex as such, unlike the other two, (although this may be a fairly common ending to this technique).
It is a technique that is easy enough to do, but often has fairly strong emotional involvement. This is entirely normal, and in fact is a positive side effect, as it confirms that the exercise is having a beneficial effect.
The actual technique is as follows: –
The two people doing the exercise should sit facing each other, and so close that their legs are touching.
This can be achieved either by sitting on chairs, or also sitting cross legged on a mat.
Somewhat as in this diagram –
Start by gently placing your hands palm to palm with your partner, each with your right palm facing upwards, and your left palm facing downwards.
Both gently close your eyes, then do any mental relaxation exercise together that you are comfortable with, for about five minutes.
Open your eyes again, and focus on looking at the right eye of your partner, do not stare fixedly, but try to imagine that you are “looking into the inner being” of your partner through their eye.
Remember to blink ! – As it is very easy to get caught up in a sort of fixed concentrated unblinking stare – all this will do is to make your eyes water and eventually give you a headache.
The reason you look into one eye only is to give a greater single focus, and also if you try to look at both eyes together you usually end up focusing on the bridge of the nose between each eye – which defeats the whole object.
While you are gently looking into the right eye of your partner, slowly repeat 3 mental messages to yourself over and over: –
a) “I accept you – the being that is within you – everything about you.”
b) “I honor you – and wish you well in every way possible, and send you love.”
c) “I am trying to open myself to your gaze more and more, and allow you to see all of me.”
While you are doing this, try to keep breathing easily and slowly, and try to take your in-breaths deep down into your belly.
You may see all sorts of apparent distortions in the appearance of your partner’s face, this is normal, just try to ignore them – or at least don’t concentrate on them.
Continue in this way for 15 minutes, (some sort of very quiet meditation alarm clock can be used to keep track of the time).
Then both of you gently close your eyes and mentally send feelings of love, compassion and acceptance to your partner, for about 2 minutes.
Finally, open your eyes and give each other a loving smile and a hug.
As I mentioned before, this exercise is designed primarily to develop feelings of connection and acceptance between two people. Sometimes it can be quite emotional, but will certainly make the relationship more open to gentler, more loving kind of sex afterwards.
It is a good idea to do this exercise once daily for one week if you can, at the end of which you should have a solid communication base with your partner.
After that time you may do it whenever you like – it is particularly effective if there are any kinds of tensions between you.
The Second Meditation Exercise
This exercise is very powerful, but can only work with heterosexual couples, as it is deeply involved with the interaction of your inherent Yin (Female) and Yang (Male) sexual energies.
Thus it will not work with homosexual couples – although the other two exercises are effective for everyone.
It is an exercise that is an offshoot of Tantric Sex, and has been taught for many years in similar forms under different names – such as Karezza, Controlled Intercourse, Coitus Reservatus, Sacred or Spiritual Sex, or Meditative Sex.
Some of these names may be inappropriate, because you normally tend to think of male orgasm as being synonymous with sex – whereas in this exercise male orgasm does not take place, although female orgasm may occur several times.
The basic idea behind this is that male orgasm has a profound effect on the physical, emotional and psychological makeup of the male that can take anything from 2 to 4 weeks for the system to completely recover back to the normal baseline state.
“For most of our lives our separation into males and females leaves us with a longing to be united with a partner of the opposite sex. We try to achieve this temporarily through sexual activity.
However, sexual excitement and striving for an orgasm usually take over, and we do not have much of a chance to focus on feeling at one with our partner, feeling whole again.
It is very satisfying to cultivate this feeling of being united with our missing sexual half and we can do this by focusing on it in a meditative way.
As a venue we may use a joined meditation or a full contact sexual meditation but instead of focusing on experiencing the various energy centers and their related feelings, we just focus on feeling at one with our partner, loved, protected and whole, utterly at peace. You may do this as a separate meditation or as the final stage of other forms of spiritual lovemaking”
This technique gives you the ability, (that many of you seek), to experience the closeness and connection that results from just holding and feeling a partner of the opposite sex against you, but without the urgency and then sense of ‘letdown’ that usually occurs after the usual sexual arousal and connection leading to orgasm.
Similarly this non-threatening exercise works very well if the relationship with the person of the opposite sex is a non-sexual one, or is still a very new relationship that has not yet evolved into a sexual one.
The technique itself is as follows: –
Ideally the two of you should do some sort of relaxation meditation together just before starting.
I have examples of these in the relevant pages on this website, such as the Guided Meditations page or the CD and MP3 downloads page.
It is a very good idea to have some quiet meditative type music playing in the background.
For my personal suggestions as to suitable music, click HERE and scroll down to almost the bottom of the page, where I give my recommendations.
Also subdued lighting is best, (perhaps candles, especially if they are pleasantly scented).
You should decide beforehand how long you will take for this exercise, with 30 minutes being the minimum – about an hour is best.
You may time that using the music, or else with some sort of gentle alarm clock suitable for meditation.
The exercise is usually done nude, but may be done clothed if being nude is not appropriate for your particular relationship at that time.
The two partners should either lie down side-by-side facing each other, or, even better, assume either one of the two positions as shown in these two diagrams: –
Each of you should place your hands to very gently touch the other partner wherever is comfortable.
Position yourselves so that the head of the man’s penis is just touching the woman’s pelvis in the area of the vaginal opening, but not within the vagina itself.
(Of course if you are clothed, then just bring the penis as close as possible to the vaginal area, ideally being able to feel this contact through your clothes).
The penis does not have to be erect, in fact usually you will find that it will not be hard at all, once you have done this exercise a few times.
Now both of you should gently close your eyes, and try to stay as relaxed as possible, yet without moving, simply experiencing and exploring the feelings of the bodily contacts between you both.
From where your hands are touching your partner’s body, where the rest of your bodies make contact, and especially where the penis and the vagina are touching – feel and concentrate on all those contacts for about five to seven minutes, yet without moving.
Then each of you should start to gently “clench” the muscles of your buttocks and your perineum – (the area between the anus and the genitals) – very slowly and rhythmically, and experience the pleasant feelings that this produces.
Imagine that you are projecting these pleasant feelings into your partner, together with feelings of love and respect – so that you are both exchanging loving feelings mentally with each other.
At the same time very very gently start to caress your partner with your hands, but in a loving way – NOT a sexual or sensual way – avoid caressing erogenous or erotic areas such as the breasts or thighs or buttocks.
And continue to imagine that you are giving feelings of respect, compassion, acceptance and love to your partner, in an unspoken, but very giving and spiritual way.
Continue doing this, for up to an hour if you wish, and many people report that they get tremendous feelings of sexual energy flowing over their bodies, (which are called “streamings”), somewhere between 30 and 35 minutes.
These may be accompanied by orgasms for the female, which is desirable, but if the male feels that he is nearing orgasm then he should prevent it by slowing his movements down for a while, and thinking more about the spiritual connection with his partner, rather than the physical connections.
When you have reached the time that you decided on beforehand, then gently stop moving, lovingly hug each other, and try to mentally give feelings of thanks and appreciation to each other for a couple of minutes.
Surprisingly you will find that the male partner will not experience a sense of frustration because he has not experienced an orgasm – but on the contrary, he will usually feel a very strong sense of peace and contentment and deep down connection to his partner.
Then gently separate slightly, slowly open your eyes, and smile at each other lovingly, as a finish to the exercise.
You will find that you both feel a deep sense of relaxation, peace, and loving energy and connection with each other – and without any remaining sexual tension between the two of you.
The exercise can be done as often as you wish, but works its absolute best if you have both refrained from regular sex for at least two weeks beforehand – then the feelings of the “Streamings” energy is much more powerful, and the female may well experience several very satisfying orgasms during the exercise.
The third and final exercise is designed to allow each of you to be able to know how your partner likes to be touched.
This is a frequent question that couples ask each other – “How do you like me to touch you and where.”
But we are all somehow very shy or tongue-tied to be able to answer the question effectively.
This exercise will be the most effective way for you to find the answer to that question for each of you in turn, in a non-threatening and pleasant way.
The Third Meditation Exercise –
… this technique sounds easy when you read the instructions, but it actually takes a bit of practice to do it in the most beneficial way.
Once again it is an exercise that is done naked, so as with the last exercise, arrange so that there is low lighting such as a candle, and perhaps some soft background music playing.
The actual instructions are as follows; –
For this one again you should be lying naked and side by side, but both of you on your backs this time, and then one of you should place your right hand on top of your partner’s right hand as in this diagram –
The person whose hand is underneath then has to concentrate on allowing their hand to be guided by the other person’s hand which is the one on top.
It is important for the ‘underneath hand’ person to be the passive hand – and the ‘top hand’ person to be the active and guiding hand.
In other words – the person with the ‘top hand’ is showing the other person how they like to be touched best – where and when and how firmly, and how often and so on.
And that person is guiding the underneath hand to do just that, but not by actually holding or gripping the hand – but just by allowing the underneath hand to “follow” the movements of the upper hand.
The difficult part is for the person with the lower hand to be just totally passive, and to concentrate on what the upper hand is showing you as regards the way it wishes the body to be touched and caressed.
Start on an easy place – perhaps an arm or a shoulder, and practice a bit to begin with.
Let the ‘top hand’ person make some small movements, then lift up from the skin and back onto it again, then perhaps make small circles, then side to side movements and so on.
Meanwhile the ‘underneath hand’ person has been concentrating on following these movements by being in constant gentle touch with the hand above it, which has been guiding it.
Once you are both comfortable with this and fairly well attuned together, then start to gently move into more and more sensual areas – always with the ‘top hand’ person showing the way.
Do this for a total of about 20 minutes, and often it will end up being an intense sexual stimulation that may well lead to orgasm.
Then just relax together for a couple of minutes, with no hand movements, and allow the sensual feelings to calm down a little.
Then try to communicate together in words what you each learned from this exercise, especially as regards discussion of what you have learned about the way the ‘top hand’ person most likes to be caressed.
Finally give each other a loving hug.
Later you may want to repeat this exercise by changing hand positions, so that the ‘top hand’ person becomes the ‘underneath hand’ person, and vice versa.
Over several sessions you will become very much more attuned to each other – each to the particular sensual likes and dislikes of the other.
This of course will therefore lead to a much more satisfying sexual life together, as well as improved communication on this important topic.
Which brings us to the end of these exercises for this incredibly important part of your relationships, and even of the quality of your whole lives.
As with all meditations and similar meditation exercises – go slowly and patiently, as it will take several sessions before you become comfortable and efficient at these exercises.
But when you do, the benefits are enormous and far reaching into every aspect of your relationships.